26 March 2014

On innate hypocrisy

Ladies and Gentlemen,

My name is Melissa de Blok and I am a hypocrite.

I recently learned a lot about my behavior, my mistakes, and what respect and love truly means. I have learned - finally - what it means to love and value myself, and how to respect others as they are. I learned that setting boundaries would make me whole, and that forgiving myself would allow me to move on.  I learned that other people play NO part in my feelings - I am in control, and any time I feel I am not, it is because I allowed it to happen.  I also learned that my way of loving men had been destructive, and that I needed to take some time away from relationships to focus on myself.

So what, you ask, is hypocritical about that?

Well, somewhere along the line, after finding out all the things I learned, I spent a lot of energy shouting about it.  I spent a lot of time trying to "help" others in a similar situation, by excitedly sharing my nuggets of info gold.  I gave out so much energy to the marketing of my new self that I didn't realize that my "new self" was getting more and more corrupted on the inside.  As a friend in a similar situation said to me today, "my intentions weren't pure".

I was basically shouting about not needing approval, in all the public places where one usually mostly posts... for approval.  And so, I slowly started taking steps back.  First the cracks were barely noticeable.  Then, I found myself dwelling on things that made me sad; things that hadn't even hurt me in the week before that.  Suddenly, I found myself sending "annoyed" messages that were nothing more than angry ones.  I was back in a place of being angry at myself as well as others, but still preaching the gospel of inner peace.

We are innately hypocritical.  How can we not be, when we are all the products of polar opposite qualities?  We aren't robots, and so hypocrisy is bound to occur.  The danger is in denying this - and then focusing on such a far-away external point (a great example is when we start "helping" others with their problems), that we lose sight of the point where we start unravelling.

Inner peace, I'm starting to realize, is a constant balancing act.  It's not an end goal that we reach; a foundation course that, once passed, makes life a sit-back-and-relax game.  It's just as constant and never-ending as any craft is.  I'm not claiming life is hard; it truly isn't, as I found out in my glimpses of happiness.  But like everything that one can succeed at, it is something that needs constant nurturing.

Today, check where you are investing your energy.  If it's outwards - what are you avoiding?  It's ok to be scared - but facing those fears and denials rewards like no other quest.  Invest in you; that's all your happiness depends on.

And try not to write blog posts about it.
Cos that's hypocritical. ;)

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